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THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Bush and I returned from our intensely meaningful vacation to the Oriental nations. Today, looking back on the agonizingly long 95 hours, 36 minutes, and 23 seconds we were required to fraternize with dwarfish, funny-talking mathletes, we are nevertheless invigorated and hopeful. And so this morning, I'd like to share some of the highlights and lessons of our profoundly historic Far East journey.

You know, first and foremost, I find myself invigorated by this trip for the same reason I am by all my trips to inferior corners of the earth - because it reaffirms the fundamental truism that serves as the basis for my personal philosophy: multi-millionaire white Christian males have the world by the nutsack. You should have seen those squirrely litle yellow folks falling over their bamboo slippers to impress me! Now whether it was the billions in American corporate investment I represent, or the omnipresent spectre of A-130 gunships raining fiery lead down on their tiny flat heads that earned their respect, I don't know. It sure wasn't anything I said. Who knows. Maybe Asia isn't quite so backwards as country club wisdom says, after all.

The first stop on my tour was to the adorable nation of Japan. The Japanese people are a fine people ?they invented Hello Kitty, California rolls, and radiation sickness. Also, I'm told they are an important ally - despite the fact that their so-called country isn't much bigger than a Corpus Christi hodown.

Did you read about how the Yen plummeted after I said something about currency? Let's be honest and talk plainly ?is there really a difference between devaluation and deflation? They both mean "Money Bad Time." I mean, come on. It's a damned good thing I didn't say "LOOK OUT! GODZILLA COMING - AND HE VERY ANGRY!" Whole damn country would have broken out their little toy tanks and rocket launchers!

I also visited South Korea, and I am happy to report that I stared into the evil, evil, EVIL country of North Korea and dared them to start something. But they didn't. I read somewhere that North Korea doesn't have ONE American food franchise. No Applebies, or Red Lobsters, or even Taco Bells. How evil is that? Seems some South Korean spazz-o peaceniks were still riled up about my State of the Union speech though, so I took a few minutes to tell them about the Pentagon's current version of reality, which says that we are NOT going to invade North Korea. Fortuantely, they bought it. Truth is, we're going to start dropping fistsful of shrapnel up those Commie, stick-eating fruicakes' gook asses any day now. (Applause.)

Finally I arrived in China, which in a way was a trip back to my younger days of bloody noses and vomiting beer foam. China is as big, smelly and filthy as I remember it being as a young man traveling abroad. And speaking of broads: when I was in China in the 1970's, I secretly courted four or eight of those Maoist foxes and well - let's just say that all those rumors about what direction their boxes smile are completely false. Heh-heh. That was an example of my folksy, charming, and refreshing sense of humor - which I can turn on and off without even one sip of cold, relaxing beer.

I talked a lot with the Chinese President Guy ?my nickname for him was President Jiang the Chicken Wiang. Anyway, we ate a lot of number 13, number 5, and number 24 and talked about important things like free speech and religion and blah blah blah. But what I really wanted from him was a lukewarm endorsement of my War on Terror, thus strengthening the Noble Smokescreen that allows my administration to take its Rich Guy Domestic Agenda and jam it down the throats of every last pansy Democrat in Congress. In exchange for this endorsement, the US will turn a blind eye to China's weapons sales to terrorist states, child slavery in Nike factories, suicidal harassments of US spy planes, and the rampant mass executions and organ harvesting of Falun Gong cultists.

During my last days in China I spoke with University students who didn't even "get" it when I referred to the Great Wall of China as the "Gleat Warr of China." You see - Orientals can't pronounce their "R's." Heh-heh. Stupid, funny Orientals. What I wouldn't give to have one of those yellow fellahs back at my ranch in Crawford. I'd chase him around with a stick and poke at him and make him sleep in a veal pen! Heh-heh. Naw, I抦 kidding. But wouldn't that be cool?

Lastly, let me state that this trip left me hopeful because it proved to me that American values ?like cannibalistic greed and flag-and-bible shrouded hypocrisy, can and will win the hearts of corrupt and wealthy Orientals looking to exploit their billions of urine-colored brethren.

Thank you, and God Bless.